The Nature Report

First off, we have new visitors. Ants. Did you hear we’re now hosting parties, benefit galas and fancy dress balls for ants? They come in droves. I wash, I spray, (I yell), I vacuum, but nothing will convince the little dears to bugger off. They bring friends, they bring family, they invite complete stranger ants and they're really enjoying themselves. I, however, am not. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re ordering in because we certainly never have food in the house so what’s the big attraction? I’m told this is normal for Montreal. Spring = ants. Well I’ve lived here all my life and spring = flowers, not ants.




The ants don't look anything like this. If they
did, I might get to know them and adopt a few families


Then there’s the BATS. Sitting on our CITY deck the other night, enjoying the hum of traffic in the distance, what do we see but BATS flying around. Yes I know, bats can go where they like, but still, I’m sure they’d be happier in the country some place. The only bat that should live in any city is Bruce Wayne. And the city should be Gotham.  No, bats are not normal.

This is the only thing resembling
bats I want to see in the sky near my house

I like nature (at least as much as Woody Allen).  I like fireflies, butterflies, dogs and my cat. Snow is good. Trees and flowers are ok too except for allergy season. Basically, anything that doesn’t crawl up my leg or get tangled in my hair is ok. But I like most of it OUTSIDE…..do you hear me ants? OUTSIDE!




Disney flowers sing....outside.....in Wonderland



This is all becoming too much for me. Bats aren’t nature. They’re science fiction. Ants are cute from Pixar, but not crawling under our baseboards. If the trees and flowers start to sing à la Disney, we’re moving!